SISTERS & BROTHERS

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were.

We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.

~Clara Ortega

***

I have outgrown all the TV shows that I loved before. Now I only watch Desperate Housewife because there's nothing on TV. Ugly Betty is long goooone! And so were all the others ... The only thing left meaningful to me now are the bunch of Walkers.

Still, I am fascinated by the on going drama, the characters, scripts and new twist of events ... plus of course, the amazing number of GAY GUYS on it. There is Kevin, Scotty, Saul, and that gay brother of Robert Macllister. I was hoping at first that the new brother Ryan is also gay and that he would cause a lot more trouble - but apparently not!

In my life, there are mini dramas that continously unfold over the years - between us brothers and sisters and the in laws and partners ... emotional roller coasters that involve blaming, deep rooted phobias, church related beliefs and traditions, betrayal of trusts and secrets, resentments, guilt and pent up anger, growing indifference and all that jazz! Enough to tear apart the great walls of china, and sign divorce papers as a family!

Maybe it is for this reason that we now all live relatively far from each other - and for those that still live a little bit closely - are distanced apart by silence.

Just like this weekend ... my youngest sister bought her first brand new car. Being happy and excited for her, I asked her to test drive it ... not realizing she was not feeling 100% after failing an exam that morning, and some other important reasons for her which I thought were just okay.

While maneuvering herself to park in a difficult space, she accidentally bumped her 3 day old car into a wall. It was so quickly done - and when I shrieked it was already late. I honestly could not have done anything at that moment to save her from hitting the wall. No one's hurt though except the brand new car and my wailing, crying hysterical sister, who could not be appeased no matter what!

And so there were more stories behind. The bumped car was just the key that opened up deep seated emotions and resentments. The following day was a roller coaster of judgement ... "blame me - blame you", digging into deeper and hurtful issues including personality disorder attacks, righteousness, who did what, sacrifice and suffering, spiritual salvation and damnation, past decisions, history, present ... opening old wounds and some family pandora boxes and retrieving issues and events that we can hurl at each other. Safe thing - we chose to send messages and not talk on the phone. The most hurtful thing was said about my being a useless brother - and so I have to defend myself then.

All because of the minor damage to the car's bumper. After thirty exchanges of text messages, we were emotionally wound up and so decided to stop it and sort of made up. But someone's BPs were up to the ceiling. And someone could not stop thinking.

And the other brother and sisters, got involved and took sides .... Then more guilts ... and sorrys to end it .... just like some other past episodes that turned us bitter, this one tore us apart further ... the car could definitely be fixed ... but we ended up more damaged, and maybe unfixed for longer while, once more!

One thing though, being the eldest of five, I always try to be the big brother or sister - and try to glue our relationship as a family, appease and please and help them, the best that I could.

Deepest in my heart is to see and know them happy and successful wherever they are in their own families or by themselves if they live as such. This makes me happy as I found this one of my meanings in life. But it seems that time has changed and there are more important things to them and so I began to also live my life for myself... But they should know that I always care and here for them no matter what.

I may have some misgivings and mistakes, and things that could not be altered and recaptured are now part and remain in the picture, like it or not ... We might end up loathing and ignoring each other to death ... but in this ONE life that we have - I guess it is still a fact and we remain to be

BROTHERS AND SISTERS ... born of the same blood

no matter what we do. We might just have to learn to truly forgive and forget and see if not understand each other's side better, for our soul's redemptions.